Monday, December 28, 2009

McFatty takes a ride [when he needs to walk.]

Fat parents are usually nothing but fat enablers for their portly pups.
I was so very fortunate to witness this at a local mall over the weekend... on an elevator of course. (I was on it because we have a stroller with a 10 pounder in it, mind you).

Look below, and you be the judge. Does this look below the probable weight allowance for the stroller exhibited?


















forgive the blurry snapshot, for I was trying to be discrete.
I thought, 'maybe, just maybe this porker has a disability.'  Umm, not when he so anxiously wanted his gullible mother to let him look over the rail at Santa Clause once we got upstairs- in his velcro shoes.

ATTENTION OBESE MOM: Make his ass walk, put a lock on your fridge, and teach him to tie his shoes. He looks old enough to me.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, December 18, 2009

e-controlling.

Immature.  Pointlessly untrustworthy.  Selfish.

All of those words describe the narrow-minded people of all ages that simply can't trust the one they 'love' in having their very own social networking account (Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster, whichever).

It breaks your that these sites don't currently allow you to make a joint account.  I'm terribly sorry, but  they're not banks.

If your screen name is John-Amy Smith, or Kimberlyand Brian Jones, or Carol&Bob Buchanan.... do not friend request me.  You are probably the types that sit on the same side of the booths at restaurants because you can't stand to be too far away from the other.

Honey child, if he wants to cheat on you, he will.  Regardless of you sharing friends on your online profile, there are numerous avenues of philandering. Dumb bitch.

And bro, guys will continue to stare, talk to, and come on to your girl if they choose to. By monitoring her profile comments, picture comments, status updates and message inbox, you're only making yourself look even more ridiculous.  Macho moron.

If you're this untrustworthy, please stop dating.  Please stay single.  Please don't procreate.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, December 4, 2009

For all of you dumb teachers out THEY'RE.

In a modern world filled with status updates and tweets, a lot of us you seem to be careless when it comes to our your grammar. Listen, I know not everyone cares as much as I do about typos and grammatical errors and that's completely fine. What ticks me off the most is when I see teachers- teachers that have at least a Bachelor's degree- using run-on sentences filled with the you're/your, there/their/they're errors. Shouldn't this have been learned in, like, 3rd grade? Are you actually teaching children? You mean, you have a degree to display? Do you know what a period (.) is?  This is one reason I think having a college degree means absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing.  Please, please, please enlighten me on why you're smarter than me because you have a piece of paper saying so.  I take so much pride in being as educated as I am and need nothing to 'prove' it.

I can count at least four- FOUR- of my Facebook 'friends' [I use that term very loosely] that are blockheaded teachers actually working in a school system.

You know what? I wasn't going to, but I'm not above it... here's a quick lesson a lot of you missed in elementary school:

your- pronoun showing possession.  ex: Your jacket is in the closet.
you're - contraction of 'you are'. ex: You're a plague.


there - adverb meaning in or at that place (opposed to here). ex: She is there now.
their - pronoun showing possession. ex: Someone left their bratty child in my trunk.
they're - contraction of 'they are'. ex: I know they're bringing your ugly grandmother.

Let me ever discover that my child's teacher is a dumb ass that obviously needs more schooling. I'll school him/her for sure. 

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Saturday, November 28, 2009

[Black Friday] Jetta doesn't stand for 'betta'

Sooooo..... you have a silver 9-year-old VW Jetta.

What did you do to 'customize' it??

Let's see... rims, ground kit..... umm..... that's it.
You totally deserve two parking spots!

Let me delight you with the note I left under the windshield wiper:
'It's an old ass Jetta... NOT A BENTLEY'

.
you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The white Skecher no-no

You've had to have seen these women walking around Wal-Mart, or Cato, or Fashion Bug. They have on their tapered acid-washed jeans, short and/or big blonde hair with bangs you can see through..... and all-white Skechers. Why?


This form of female human also comes complete with some 12 year old Tommy Hilfiger, or dare I say, Fila t-shirt.

Stylin'.

.you are a plague.


Leia Mais…

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Is it that hard to close your lips?

Maybe it's not just their personalities that make me have so much disdain for these two 'bruthas'.

Look. at. their. mouths.



Now tell me it doesn't aggravate you just looking at those big ugly holes on those misshapen faces...

.they are plagues. black plagues. no pun intended

Leia Mais…

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dust ruffle stacked hedgehog beehive

Ahh, so recently I got to enjoy 2 hours of my life at a Southern Christmas Show that I will never get back. This is only one snapshot I got to take while there...



It's bad enough every southern woman I can think of has the short, stacked, spiky haircut, but this... this is incomprehensible. It appears that this lady has the aforementioned Kate Gosselin-wannabe cut AAAAND has buried her face in the ground for a mini lawnmower to drive right over the middle of the back, leaving some sort of dust ruffle/mullet at the bottom.

You be the judge, and please enlighten me if this is going to be some 'new' thing for the 'stylish' Over the Hill crowd...

.she is a plague.

Leia Mais…

Monday, November 9, 2009

Witch? Angel? Fairy? Slut?

So that time of year just passed: little boys dress up as Spider-Man, little girls dress up as Cinderella and the 20s crowds go dance, get drunk, and get pregnant. So what's up with the latter? Has Halloween turned into bar-hopping and bed-hopping? Well, they're all adults (physically, anyway) so let them have their fun.

I guess my biggest peeve is how so many girls find the sluttiest, smallest, most unoriginal costume they can. Is that a type of mating call we don't have an official scientific explanation for? Does the semi-attractive blond female human dressed up as a 'cop' in navy blue panties, a badge, and handcuffs emit pheromones to the male humans? Or is it the 'construction worker' with a tool belt covering a thong that shouts, "I'm easy! And I can fix your door jamb!"
I don't even have words when it comes to the ubiquitous nurse costume...

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Take the following advice in any public parking lot...

You know those lazy asses that sit in the parking lot when they notice someone loading their trunk with groceries, all because they want that parking spot?
my advice: Go around them, back up directly in front of them, turn on YOUR turn signal and steal the spot; or, lay on the horn to piss them off; or, once you're in the store with them, follow them around and constantly 'accidentally' ram your shopping cart into theirs, politely apologizing each time.

Or even the losers that will slowly follow you to see if your spot is close enough to the store, then wait on you to leave and snatch the spot right up?
my advice: Walk slower. When you reach your vehicle, load the trunk, close it, then take out your cell phone, fake-dial someone, and lean against the back of the car pretending to have a conversation. [My wife does this and secretly gets a thrill from doing it]

Or what about the idiots that get into a yelling match over a parking spot?
my advice: Point and laugh. If you like to cause a scene, insult them in whatever way you see fit.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, August 28, 2009

Fat? Lazy? Hop on this nice shiny electric store wheelchair!

It never fails; every time I go to a Wal-Mart, something pisses me off. Today was no different. Well, actually it was a little different. I was more than 'pissed'.

So, I was leaving the store and thought I might actually get out without anything upsetting me for once. Not the case. I exit behind an obese, moley white woman (who could barely fit on her store wheelchair, so what's the point?) that stops right before she hits the pavement. At this point, I pretend like I'm waiting on someone and stand there for a second to see what she's up to. She starts flailing her arms at a minivan just a few yards away (that she could've easily galloped to). The minivan pulls right up to her. She then yells at the driver to pull up even more so she can put her bag of goodies in the back...

Okay, I'm livid by this point. Bitch, get off your lazy ass and walk!

She did walk. About three steps. And one was a half-step.

She climbs up into this minivan like it's a tanker, yelling at the driver the whole time, leaving the wheelchair sitting almost in the parking lot. Yes, she left it there like there's now a wheelchair valet at Wal-Mart. If I didn't have a fear of causing a scene in public, I would've lost it on her.

Yet another type of person I can't stand: the store wheelchair abuser that just can't walk in, buy his/her wart cream, doughnuts, and Diet Coke (like it'll help them lose weight), and walk back out to their handicap parking spot (because you know they have one) and leave. Not to mention when they take up a whole aisle that you're trying to shop on, or when you constantly hear their reverse siren chirping throughout the store. PISS. ME. OFF.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Monday, August 24, 2009

365black? We already have February [28black].

So I recently came upon something strange and unnecessarily created by the McDonald's Corporation: http://www.365black.com/

Seriously? Is this necessary?

Stick to Big Macs and amazing french fries.

What about http://www.365white.com/, or http://www.365asian.com/, or http://www.365spanish.com/, you say?
THAT would be racist.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The t-shirt tribute.

Memorializing the deceased in any way is honorary, don't get me wrong. From the traditional flowers, photos and vehicle window decals to the non-traditional in-home shrines, Facebook groups and websites dedicated to the person that met death.


But this...

... annoys the hell out of me.

I am so sick of seeing [mostly African American] people on the local news after their 'cousin's baby daddy's best friend's brother' was murdered, in a huddle all wearing the same air-brushed 'R.I.P. Jaqwan' t-shirt. You look like a group of tourists wandering aimlessly around a theme park in the same attire so you can easily spot each other. Can't you just hold up a picture and a damn candle in front of the news camera? Trust me, all of you wearing Jaqwan's 350% zoomed-in face will not make people remember him. (and why are they all size 4XL?)

You will [probably] remember him just fine by the pictures on your walls and the great memories in your mind. Leave it at that. We didn't know him and won't remember him because of your air-brushed nightgown-turned-t-shirt.


.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, May 1, 2009

Handicapped? No, not likely.

We all see it, anytime we go to Wal-Mart or Target or the mall. We all see someone in the prime of health pull into a handicap parking spot and discretely hang a handicap placard on their mirror after it was tucked away in the glove box. Why was it tucked away in the glove box? Because that selfish fool has no disabilities and is likely using a family member's or should have never received their own in the first place.

What gives this away in almost every case? Well, most of these victims with debilitating 'back injuries' or 'morbid obesity' quite often climb down out of a Lincoln Navigator or Cadillac Escalade with 24" rims, tinted windows and a sound system that rattles like a granny bike. Then they (usually either a black guy wearing a night gown as a t-shirt and shorts that look like pants, a wannabe pimp, or a young white brothel-attired floozy) so elegantly stride into the store like no other disabled person. I bet most disabled people wish they had handicaps like those morons!

Is it that hard to walk through the parking lot for one whole minute and get some much needed exercise? Does it make you feel like you're somebody, like you have front row parking because you're special and everyone else should think you're special? Or do you do it to to draw attention to your vehicle? Let me assure you, any Average Joe nowadays can afford a 2003 Escalade or 1999 Navigator.
In any above case, you look like a dumb ass. Maybe, just maybe, if you had a Bentley like A. L. Jinwright (featured below) you could get away with it. Well, no.... scratch that. You're still just screaming for attention. We know you're not a hip-hop artist or bank CEO if you're shopping at Wal-Mart or Target... but you could easily be a Street Pharmaceutical Sales Rep...

I am definitely for the proposed laws that will force handicapped parkers to use placards with their FACE, NAME, and AGE clearly visible. Many cities and states already do so. We need to get on the ball where I live!

Lesson: There are people with true disabilities (that actually deserve things) that should be allowed to plow right through your vehicle for that parking spot.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Who Deserves a Bentley?

Not this clown. The fascinating 'praising of the Lord' you see below is that of Bishop Anthony L. Jinwright from some church of ignorant followers in Charlotte, NC. Also, after you watch, please tell me why it's so necessary for preachers in general to speak the way he does....

Mr. Jinwright lived such a wonderful, lavish lifestyle compared to most preachers: $42,000 in ONE YEAR leasing a 2005 Bentley (paid by his church); lives (hopefully lived) in a lakefront mansion formerly owned by NFL legend Reggie White; personal living expenses including utilities, lawn care, dry cleaning, house cleaning, and car washes totaling more than $85,000 per year for six years; he 'earned' more than $500,000/year from the church and his wife also had total 'earnings' of $800,000 in the same period. They didn't 'earn' a damn thing.

I find it so very easy to sleep at night knowing this idiot was charged on April 21, 2009 with five counts of tax evasion, five counts of tax perjury, one count of lying to federal agents, and three counts of mail fraud. Absolutely freakin' hilarious.

You will come to learn I have many unexplained issues, complaints, and suggestions for religion as a whole. Issue relating to this man:

Is it fair that the Lord rewards you and allows you to live this lifestyle, at the same time your birdbrained congregation doesn't have total annual household income of even $25,000 but you double that per year on a leased Bentley?

The Lord works in mysterious ways, huh? Riiiight...

I can't believe he's been the head Bishop of this church for nearly 30 years. Just goes to show the lack of intelligence people have.

For more information about this case, visit:http://www.wbtv.com/global/story.asp?s=10223174&ClientType=Printable

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, April 17, 2009

Instant monetary gratification.

The tax deadline has passed. Why do all of you scramble to the post office on the very last day every single year? The ones having to pay a hefty amount to the government, I can understand, but those getting a refund.... why does it take you so long? I'll be the first to admit that I'm a procrastinator and didn't submit my taxes online until April 14th, but I wasn't scrambling everything together at the literal last second. I had it all organized before-hand. So simple to do.

What I want to talk about is this Rapid Refund crap.
*see disclaimer to your right, because there are obviously exceptions to what I'm about to criticize.
You're getting a tax refund. Great. Congrats. Now, why in the hell are you blowing $200-$400 just to get it back quicker?! That's easy money! Do you know what you can do with $200-$400? Obviously you don't. Now I know a small percentage (or maybe larger due to the current economic situation) of people really do need money quick; perhaps for a utility bill to make sure you have lights and water, or you have nothing but crumbs in your pantry, or your child has no diapers. There is no way everybody and their mama that uses Rapid Refund is in that type of situation. I refuse to believe it. If you have a decent amount of money in the bank already, be smart, and just wait a couple weeks!

Furthermore, has anyone besides me noticed that title loan companies and check-cashing franchises are more commonplace in impoverished communities? Think about that. They know those areas are lacking simple education and the illiterate patrons will do everything they can for a quick buck like use their car/house/child(ren) as collateral. Seriously, there is a town not too far from me that has 1-2 of those franchises in every shopping center. There's even one that was converted from a fast-food joint! Take a wild guess at what the population consists of. I'll leave it at that.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Happy freakin' Easter.

I wanted to post this, of course, on Easter Sunday but was too busy. No, not with church activities or lame egg hunts. Family dinner. That's it.

Egg hunts. Hmmm. Should they be called 'hunts' anymore? It's not hunting when the chaps are walking around in some dumb field at some church picking up eggs out of the grass. Boring! Come on you preachers and deacons and pastors and choir members and congregation and whoever else is in a church! Make those snot-nosed brats work a little bit. I remember when I was little and used to get dragged to a local church on Easter morning and then PICK UP eggs out of the grass. Even then, I wasn't like all of the other little deranged kids all excited about getting an egg with a Skittle in it.

Don't get me wrong; Easter eggs and the Easter bunny are more understandable to me than the whole religious aspect of the holiday. It's a fun time for kids to celebrate something- IF the eggs are truly hidden and not scattered in grass. But think about it: A couple days out of the year, people who call themselves religious crowd themselves into a church and pray and worship the rising of Jesus. What about the rest of the year, you say? Oh, they sin in every way imaginable and 'get saved' every few months. This is another subject I will elaborate on later, though, in an upcoming rant.

I've gone off on a tangent which is easy to do while discussing things that annoy me to no end.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Friday, April 10, 2009

to the die-hard sports idiots.

Now is an excellent time to discuss how I feel about sports maniacs. UNC just won the NCAA championship! Or NBA, or NAACP, or whatever the hell it is. Tell me, what do you- the crazed fanatic- gain from them or any of your other teams winning at any sport event?

Nothing. Some say bragging rights (woo-hoo) or pride for attending the college (like they were ever on the team) or winning a bet (seriously, how much money could possibly be at stake?).

Passion for what you love and care about is awesome. Your child, your job, a logical hobby, etc. But wearing your jersey everywhere in public and attaching your flags to your car doors is lunacy. Aggressively arguing with coworkers or friends to 'defend your territory' is barbaric and primitive. C'mon, it's not a matter of life and death. Yet sadly, some people take it to that level. Losers. And screaming at the TV (or the referees for that matter if you're at a live game) will do nothing. You just make yourself look even more like the redneck you are. The same really applies to you parents at your child's basketball or football game. Your son or daughter is always the best player and does nothing wrong, right?

Try to think of something that aggression and anger can really go into... something that might benefit your life.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

'Grace' us with original names, please.

You don't have to go far to see pregnant women these days. And the US Census Bureau says less babies are being born during this recession. Ha.

I have no problem with you wanting to procreate and fashion your own child with your penis and vagina; my wife is pregnant and might I add: it was planned. One problem I have is with all of these dumb girls popping out babies left and right (certain races more than others). That's another blog post coming soon though.

The problem I want to center on right now is baby name originality. We've had our name ideas for years now, and have came across maybe one child with a name we want to use. Mind you, they are not stupid made-up names (like the African-derived names ending with -ika or -quan, etc.)
Now - I completely understand you wanting to continue a tradition, carrying on family names and ancestors' names. I wouldn't do it, because I'm a Jr. and don't really like it, but I understand. Tell me though... are there that many people with grandmothers and great-grandmothers named Grace? or grandfathers and great-grandfathers named Aiden (or anything ending with -den)? No. There are not.

I have come to the conclusion that you are stupid -yes I said stupid- for naming your daughter Grace, Emma, or Ava; or your son Aiden, Kaden, or Brayden (or ANY other name sounding like that) because you think it's beautiful. They are not beautiful. They are completely the opposite of beautiful. Like I said: stupid. By no means are they unique. Are these the new 'Bob'? and 'Richard'? and 'Jennifer'? Hell, Jennifer is better than these.

I'm baffled by the fact that I can count on two hands - TWO, not one - the people that just we know with baby Emma Grace. "Aww, how cute." barf.

Please stop. I really do not comprehend the logic behind this. If a name is in the Top 10 of Baby Names (or 100 for that matter), why in the hell do you think it's unique? This is going to do nothing but create future classrooms with 24 of 27 students shouting 'Here!' repeatedly during attendance time. They won't have their own identity without straining themselves to stand out. Do you really want to do that to your child?

Maybe you should reconsider if you are pregnant and planning to use any of these names, or any similar to these. Or hell, even if you've already given birth and used these names - drive your cookie-cutter redneck ass to the local courthouse and file for a name change.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…

Monday, March 30, 2009

move back to NY, or NJ, or PA, or Bwoston

It took me a little while to decide what my initial post would consist of, and after much deliberation, I have to get this off my chest first...

One thing I abhor is the uneducated, 'down on the farm' southern accent. Could you even call it an accent? It's almost a way of animal communication, what with the missing teeth, Tweety bird shirts, and John Deere hats that only this 'race' of people flaunt. I live in the south, was born here, and will probably remain here, but have never and will never sound like these 'people'.

Getting to my point... the southern accent is definitely not a rarity in, what some would call, my bias opinion. For the past, I don't know, decade or so, 'lovely' Americans from New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts (the New England states in general) have discovered the amazing and enjoyable southern way of life: less congestion, people are polite and courteous, and the commutes are more tranquil. The air (literally and figuratively speaking) is easier to breathe.

GO. BACK. UP. THERE. I don't blame you for being able to sell your shabby townhouse and suburban 1100 square foot cottages (for ridiculous amounts of cash), and then grabbing up stately mansions and compounds on the beautiful lakes here without a loan. That's awesome. That's common sense. I'd do it too. But do NOT come down here and start complaining about "missing the city" or start putting your two cents in about how government could be better here, or how city beautification efforts are not like they are back home.

And please, pleeeeeease shut up (really getting to my point). The accent from up there is just as bad, if not worse than the toothless rednecks here. Talk about uneducated, rude, and downright idiotic - this is the epitome of all that. It's also gotten to the point where I can see someone in public and tell if they're from up north or not -without them saying a word. You know what I'm talking about: the dark haired, big-nosed Italian mafia look. Men AND women. They can't dress, their hair is slicked back (men) or long, stringy, and boring (women), and have so much gold jewelry on that they look like they robbed Cash4Gold. Hideous.

Oh yea, they can't drive either. You wouldn't believe how many collisions have occurred because some Northerner is driving along not paying attention to the road, but admiring our angelic scenery. I've seen it with my own eyes. A New York license plate on a Chevy Suburban slamming on their breaks going across a pristine lake; or a Pennsylvania tag on a minivan rounding out turns on a scenic road like they're a Nascar driver only to fool themselves and straddle the roadside.
Trust me, the list goes on and on... Rednecks come from everywhere, not just the South.

.you are a plague.

Leia Mais…