Friday, January 29, 2010

Little Miss Glitzy Bedazzled Glamourous Ultra Grand Supreme Princess.


Everyone thinks their child is the most beautiful creation known to man.
To the pageant moms and dads: YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN.
In fact, the children NOT in pageants are more beautiful than your showy, orange-skinned, flipper-wearing, horse-haired brats with 5 lbs. of makeup covering their mugs.

In person, they most certainly do not look like they do in those horrible airbrushed 'professional' photos that look just like Macy Sue's from four states away.  By 'winning' Little Miss whatever, they will not have a year of traveling and exhibiting their humanitarian efforts for Haitian earthquake victims.  They will not be your meal ticket to bring you fame, which you so obviously desire.  Their talents are not talents.  They will not meet Donald Trump.  No movie producers, nor music producers, nor modeling agencies are there scouting your fake adorable ass child you strut as cattle (has anyone else noticed the chairs in these banquet halls where pageants are held are all e-m-p-t-y?).

And please explain to me how they show their 'personality' when they're 18 months old and you bounce them up and down in your hands across the stage.  That's as much personality as a hamster trying to hang himself from his exercise wheel...

Unmistakably, the parents are the enigma indeed.  They spend hundreds just to enter one spectacle.  Then upwards of thousands of dollars on outfits, accessories, and something called brainwashing training. Then hours and hours of practice and travel time.... all for the 1 in 30 probability of winning maybe $750.  Take some math classes.

They will not be famous.  They will not make you rich.  They are not learning anything but how to look clumsy while scampering across a stage. There's a good chance they will hate you for this.

they- and you- are a plague.
(my tiny bit of research and amusement derived from the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras, obviously.  Yes, I'm embarrassed.  But I'm positive 95% of pageants are just as they are depicted on that show.)

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